Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
