You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
