he told me I talked like a deaf person
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
