Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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