I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize