what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
