marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize