I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
