Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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