dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
