I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
