if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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