i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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