You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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