i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
