u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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