You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
