suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
