I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
