hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
