I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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