At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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