Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
