Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
