At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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