I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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