when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Randomize
