his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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