You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
