remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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