when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
