If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
