It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
