Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
