happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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