Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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