he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
