k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
FUCK WHALES
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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