Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
