The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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