you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
