We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
