Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
