Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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