so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize