Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
