between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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