i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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