There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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