that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
