he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
