Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
