made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
