If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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