We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
