I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Blood and glitter go together right?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
