hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My cat gives me a boner
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
a search helicopter?!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
