I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
