where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
