just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
