you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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