I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
