You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
